The Owner's Guide to the Joker
by Mela Sunstrong
Summary: Have you ever wanted to have your very own Joker? This informative manual will teach you everything you need to know to keep your Joker in top diabolical condition.


**CONGRATULATIONS!**  
You are now the proud owner of a Joker! This means that you have qualified to own this particularly volatile model. In order to obtain top performance from your anarchist, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual to use your Joker to his full potential.  
Your Joker should arrive fully assembled by way of school bus.

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**  
Name: The Joker  
Type: Villain  
Manufacturers: Dark Knight Industries, Gotham City Division  
Date of Manufacture: 2007-2008

**ACCESSORIES**  
Please check the following list to ensure that all parts were included.

a. Joker Unit  
b. Non-cheap Purple Suit  
c. Black Shoes with Embedded Blades  
d. Funny Patterned Socks  
e. Custom-made Vest  
f. Make-up Kit  
g. 3-Piece Pocket Knife Set  
h. Bad Tie  
i. Deck of Cards  
j. Purple Leather Gloves

**MAINTENANCE**  
Your Joker should be relatively easy to care for, as far as his own happiness goes. He should comply with eating meals with you and your family, just make sure to count the steak knives after dinner. It's best to start his day with Why So Cereal brand breakfast foods, which you can order from the company. He does not come equipped with a gun or more than three knives, but the unit should be capable of obtaining these himself. Your Joker will also provide himself with cash, clown masks, vehicles of unusually large size, duck tape, and various explosives. He can usually raise his own following, but you can jump-start the process by purchasing an Assorted Henchmen box set, or the more specialized Clown Thug box set. If you believe that your Joker unit has suffered any damage or contracted an illness, but are not sure because he is laughing too much, call our hotline anyway to be on the safe side.

**OPERATING PROCEDURE**  
Your Joker model is very user-friendly on the surface, but be very careful about what you ask him to do. His controls are voice activated- choose your words wisely and state your instructions in English. Do not be surprised if things get out of hand from there, but you may use a tranquilizer gun to suppress him if you need to.  
Your Joker unit can be utilized in several capacities about the house and neighborhood, such as the following tasks:

**Entertainer**  
The Joker is a bit of a showman and loves the limelight. Bring him to potlucks at church, your kid's friend's birthday party, business dinners, and evening soirees. He can do magic tricks, card tricks, and, of course, comedy! Do not allow him on the dance floor, because his bladed shoes tend to do damage on the high-kicks. Try to avoid showing him off anywhere you'll be charged for damages to properties and/or guests. Otherwise, you'll be the life of the party and everyone will be impressed!

**Plastic Surgeon**  
Your Joker unit can function as your own private plastic surgeon, only you can't sue him for malpractice. He specializes in the 'permanent smile', and is in fact the only doctor in the world who will perform it while dressed as the opposite sex. If you're looking for something a little more conventional, you can convince him to do tummy-tucks. Should you sense any lights, vibrations, beeps, lumps, or ringing, get X-rays immediately.

**Pyrotechnician**  
Your Joker unit likes to see things go 'BOOM'! He can help set up fireworks for your town's 4th of July celebrations and help light the campfire, but these are trifles compared to his true calling. What is this, you ask? Building removal, my friend. He has an uncanny skill with getting explosives into buildings without anyone knowing about it, and he enjoys a candid demolition now and then. We hope you will, too.

**COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS**  
You will find that your Joker model is compatible with most other models, although the match isn't always mutual. Unless you have become more experienced in handling our type of models, we advise keeping him away from the Com. Gordon, Harvey Dent, and any of the Assorted Gotham Law Enforcement models. While a Batman model may provide endless amusement for your Joker unit and make him feel complete, your dark knight will not return these tender ideas and may cause bruising or headache in your Joker.

**PRECAUTIONS**  
Do not expose your Joker to people who remind him of his father, volcanic sulfur, falls from high places, sets of rules, electrical shocks, or anyone who mentions 'loose screws' or 'padded walls'. Alternately, for your own safety, don't ask him about his scars, don't call him crazy, and don't put out a bounty on him. (If you need an emergency refund, please call our hotline in secret. Adopting an accent usually helps.)

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

Q: My Joker unit has so far told me several stories about how he got his scars, but they have been different every time. Which is the true version?  
A: This is a subject we're not fully authorized to comment on. It's not that anybody is threatening us with a deadly weapon while we write this reply. We just don't know ourselves. Try asking your model and get back to us if you're still around.

Q: What are the ingredients in Why So Cereal?  
A: Aside from the essential secret ingredients, we employ rolled oats, sugar, smiley clown marshmallows, high fructose corn syrup, sugar-coated cornflakes, riboflavin, candied raisins, and barley malt extract. Packed with vitamins and with a light sprinkle of gunpowder on top, Why So Cereal tickles your Joker's taste buds and keeps his teeth in factory-perfect condition.

Q: My Joker gets chapped lips in the winter but won't wear chap stick because it messes up his paint. What can I do?  
A: You can buy him moisturizing red lipstick to use in place of paint. Try sneaking something unpleasant tasting into his normal red pigments to discourage the habit of licking his lips, which, while it doesn't help the chapping situation, is programmed into each Joker unit.

**TROUBLESHOOTING**

**Problem**: I had my Joker unit baby-sit my two grandsons while my daughter and her family were over. I told him specifically not to harm them. Timothy and Anthony were peacefully playing sailboats in my backyard koi pond, until we heard screams and frightful popping sounds. Apparently, the Joker had attached small explosives to each toy and urged each boy to blow up his brother's boat. Now my grandchildren's arms are burned, my son-in-law won't speak to me, and most of my koi are dead. Why hasn't my unit done as I asked? -Lonely Lady  
**Solution**: Your unit has, in fact, did what you requested of him and did not do anything to your grandchildren with the exception of encouraging them to hurt each other. Your Joker has a healthy curiosity about the social sciences and psychology. We suggest coding your commands more carefully in the future. Also, your Joker unit, while good with animals, is not good with children as a rule, so keep him away from the young and impressionable if your family ever comes back again.

**Problem**: I have been receiving threats from the mob recently. Although I've bought an extra Clown Thug box set and had my Joker booby-trap my home and yard, that doesn't stop the threats or ensure my family's safety. My Joker unit does not seem worried, and I've noticed that he has started spending more, especially when he pulled into the driveway one day in a custom-made purple Ferrari. He also purchased a Harley Quinn model and takes her on extravagant dates around town. I was wondering if there may be a connection between his spending and the threats, and, if there is, how could I keep the gang from coming after me? -Innocent  
**Solution**: It is probable that your Joker unit is stealing from the local mafia, thereby bringing their wrath upon you. You can do one of three things. A- Contact the mob leader and, consoling him with canollis and wine, explain the situation. Hopefully he will redirect his attentions to the real guilty party. On the other hand, your Joker unit doesn't like squealers, which can complicate things. B- Skip the negotiations and sic your Joker unit on the mob. Not only is this more fun for you, it's also the sort of challenge your model relishes. C- Change your identity and move to another country. Leave the Joker behind.

**Problem**: My Joker model has recently taken to dashing out of the house, often at rush hour, chasing cars down the road and barking at them. He doesn't respond to my husband or I when we tell him to stop. Our neighbors think we're freaks. One night the unit even brought back a rear bumper, the owner of which was not very happy. What is wrong and how do we fix it?? -In the Doghouse  
**Solution**: Your model has a case of OLS, or Overly Literal Syndrome. Chasing cars is only an _expression_ favored by the Joker, not an action. This may be caused by an overdose of Why So Cereal, which should only be fed to him in the morning. Adjust his diet and try to interest him in a shiny knife or stick of dynamite. If these steps don't work, putting him behind the wheel of a large motor vehicle such as the town garbage truck may teach him that cars are more fun to drive than to chase.

**Problem**: Since buying my Joker unit, my roommate has been acting strangely. At first I thought it was because he disproved of my purchase and installation, but it seems that he gets along with the Joker well enough. He is getting into more trouble with the law, and almost got us both kicked out of the apartment after it caught on fire. Worst of all, he's become a numismatist and keeps checking the sofa cushions for loose change. I'm afraid my Joker unit may be having a negative influence on him- should I get rid of it? - Anonymous  
**Solution**: Your unit is indeed affecting your friend, and is probably trying to bring out his evil side. This is more probable if your roommate has previously enjoyed a good public reputation. You should try redirecting your Joker's attention to someone outside of your living arrangements, preferably outside of your area code. Although your friend may, unfortunately, continue his coin-collecting ways, you can reverse the moral damage by purchasing a Samwise Gamgee model, edition three, from our Tolkien Line. Keeping a pure-hearted halfling around the apartment (perhaps as a doorman) can reverse the effects of corruption.

**Amusing Situations**:  
(1) If you purchase a Rachel Dawes unit, your Joker unit will threaten her and pepper her with anecdotes. Just keep the interaction away from windows.  
(2) If you purchase a nurse's uniform, heels, and a cute wig, your Joker will infiltrate your local health care facility and raze it to the ground.  
(3) If you purchase a carnival-themed 18-wheeler, your Joker will go hunting for armored SWAT vehicles. Make sure your unit buckles his seatbelt before you send him off.  
(4) If you purchase a Mayor, a Com. Gordon, and a Uniformed Parade box set, your Joker will attempt to kill your Mayor and general chaos will ensue. He will also not be wearing make-up, but, just like your mother, he doesn't like to be photographed without his face on.  
(5) If you purchase a Batman Wanna-be model, your Joker unit will degrade and torture it on camera, and may even use his 'scary voice'. Unless you interrupt, you may have to get some blood stains out of the carpet and replace your Wanna-be unit.

**Situations to AVOID**  
(1) Do NOT use your Joker unit in conjunction with the Batman model and high places such as empty buildings!  
(2) Normally, we advise NOT to purchase a twin unit, as it tends to cause emotional and mental instability in both models. Although your Joker unit is already highly unstable, we still condemn the buying of doubles. Believe us, one is more than enough!  
(3) Do NOT introduce your Joker unit to hospitals. If your unit is unwell, get someone who can make house calls. Furthermore, he requires no dental care, and you'd better cut hair-styling appointments out of the agenda, too.

Note: If any consumers come up with more Amusing Situations, please call 1-800-Gotham. Our secretary will be most interested to hear of any new scenarios. You must be 18 or older to order units.  
Post note: Our warranty does not cover arrest, falls, or motor vehicle accidents. Our warranty does cover good deeds, traces of sanity, plans, and smallpox.


End file.
